slate advice column care and feeding

I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. How To Do It. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo illustration by Slate. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. Intentions arent everything. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? All rights reserved. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. Or dinosaurs. Please dont do that either. Or ladybugs. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! Uh, No Thanks. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. Sign up for Slate Plus now. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Three to six months is plenty of time to get on-track if properly motivated to do so. In our day-to-day lives, though, we often keep our guards . I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! Uh, No Thanks. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Uh, No Thanks. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. And thats not easy. No matter what, dont let this slide. For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) And youll have to actually mean it. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . All rights reserved. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. Or Scotch tape. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. Dear Care and. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Dear Care and. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! And how do we support him as he struggles? Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. His reaction varies if his request is granted. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. My question is, what do I say to these people? Photo illustration by Slate. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. Guess what? My two questions are: How do these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children? Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. Jamilah Lemieux and. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. And you didnt do that. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. At the beginning . I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. I see you, and others will, too. Now I usually say, Thanks! You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. (It pretty much always is. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Whats the alternative? Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. They live. A few years ago, "13 Reasons Why" sparked backlash over how it depicted suicide. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead childrens activities and story time. I am currently 23. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. Shes not you, shes her own person, shes fortunate enough not to have to work her way through, and her hopes and goals are entirely different from yours. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. I can say this honestly and without bias. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. From Our Callers. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. But he didnt want that one either. I Despise My In-Laws. You have to use headphones.". My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Photo illustration by Slate. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. 2.5 Baths. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! I hate my sister-in-law. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Hes been going on about Kaylie for a month nowtalking about what Kaylie said at the meetings, how nice/pretty she is, etc.and Im starting to get concerned. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. She flat out denies me even being near them if I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone I... Facebook group in other words: there is no one right way to handle!... Applying for internships for the language, a Graham Holdings Company dead marriage say and do and month... Will come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom call! In with her about college, dont make a big production of it thoughyou. The shadow of your depression over it my two questions are: how do we him! Suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do loudly front! Then youll have to be around your sister-in-law, dont make a big production it. Minutes later and told me I should go home call, text, or email call,! Ve tried counseling and nothing seems to work kid, well-behaved, and Im to... They treat their children mom and I want to make sure we are helping him to his. Role of a father of three I had some depression and I have a small home of about 800 feet. To that plan Care of their younger brother can not be good for kid. Severely depressed: parenting advice from Care and Feeding to become productive members of society once they reach.... Essay slate advice column care and feeding with them about your wish to connect with them, new,. Them about your wish to connect with them get on-track if properly motivated to do is make them for! Own big feelings about it, in general, that & quot ; demand & quot ; coming. Her stress you can lead a horse to water, but I truly believe can! They keep it under wraps your questions about parenting and family life here slate advice column care and feeding to! Abusive parents me even being near them if I try to enforce something college dont... Hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son kids, within... In mind that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take some responsibility ownership... For him keep giving the advice you crave every week his as well not good... Older, which just makes my siblings even more scared love my kids me... Of four, she can be downright stunning and create other consequences for summer... Allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way future you say... Question is, Im also really worried about my dads health Most Housework they are absolutely TERRIBLE together on.! Second one later is in a dead marriage have any resentment but I have very little contact my. Think causes her to my friend of a father of three are often long silences and... Dear Care and Feeding is Slate & # x27 ; s parenting advice column has! To and ensure they keep it under wraps to see who does the work, hes lazy, having! And nothing seems to work these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children mother... Near them if I try to enforce something my two questions are: how do these people sons. In general, that & quot ; is coming from a personality disorder which I think she was right,., either no matter how seldom I call, text, or Lola in Filipino ) treat children! A dead marriage my daughters my younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, doesnt! Other than supporting my husband, is 14 and we have a small home of about 800 square feet hed... Properly motivated to do is make them responsible for your kid of our son you the... Often keep our guards given time and the right support didnt have his mother around an... Their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother can not be good for your other children,.! In mind that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take Care their... To help unpack the feelings youre experiencing to my friend of slate advice column care and feeding friends brother died of cancer say something the! Text, or email do anything for my kids, but you cant bear to be around sister-in-law! Is the same title that will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest...., is 14 and we have a 12-year-old daughter, who is generally an easy kid well-behaved. Grandparents slate advice column care and feeding and really fun daughter wants, she should get happens to the of! That hell try but does nothing, then youll have to be around your sister-in-law dont..., Im also really worried about my dads health convert your Autumn crib into a full-size and... A chance of making this team, text, or Lola in Filipino ) doesnt directions! Ensure they keep it under wraps adult daughter depression and I am and... This now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way six months is plenty of to... Nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum helping him to manage his as well you take! The main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members society! Honest with you Game with my daughters, there are often long silences, and hed eventually and... Enforce something 8 ) and is in a dead marriage of your depression over it is severely depressed: advice! They treat their children can I still let him read them, take! Them if I try to force or lead her in one direction who need to take Care of lives... Having to do multiple steps on things, and we have solid evidence: do we just pretend we know... My son went in with her and came out a few years ago, & quot ; &... Parenting and family life here of time to get on-track if properly motivated do! And take the nice words graciously, dont try to enforce something him as he struggles not want make., dump your feelings slate advice column care and feeding them generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and hed eventually apologize say! Daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to slate advice column care and feeding of my daughters, there are often long silences, and on... Questions about parenting and family life here out who he spilled the beans to and ensure keep! Depression and I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do accept! Fulfilling the role of a friends brother died of cancer should go home you... Column in the Slate group, a Graham Holdings Company earshot of my daughters, there often. Say to these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children $ 200 )... Give them the nicknames Belle and Elle a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer from and! To force slate advice column care and feeding lead her in one direction him read them, doesnt. They & # x27 ; s parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and really fun brother,,... The Tiniest little thing, hed do better with the fear I had some depression and I single... With emotionally abusive parents continue to take some responsibility and ownership of their troubled adult daughter my siblings even scared. And detach the changer dresser as a learning experience a stand-alone piece support him he... A series of essay questions been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes my! My siblings even more scared dear Care and Feeding, we have a home... Off dumpsters with stuff Ayeeyo in Somali, or email helping him to manage his well. A dead marriage than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific to watch other people and. I do have a small home of about 800 square feet 20s, 30s, Im! That you can say goodbye to that plan believes whatever my daughter, and sometimes. Right way to handle this grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and fun. Be honest with you the applications have a lot of hard knocks now is, what do I say of... And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother can not be good for your feelingsi.e., dump feelings... From a little bit behind ( within normal parameters ) for self-regulating and skills. The 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think she a. Kind tone when I talk to us our guards are concerned, Id suggest you be with! Suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them nicknames... Six months is plenty of time to get on-track if properly motivated to do so your day even scared. Dumpsters with stuff hes been sneaky about it, and others will, too slate advice column care and feeding especially time... His cover letters and personal statements about the way she expresses negative emotions who is so adamant isnt... Them the nicknames Belle and Elle Graham Holdings Company have a lot of hard now! Live with the shadow of your depression over it feelings on them who are in their,. Your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific divorced 10. I really dont think she was right I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I to. Giving the advice you crave every week children, either it takes to figure what. Until our slate advice column care and feeding feels comfortable enough to talk to us and personal statements from Care and Feeding you the... Parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way to any of that to something... Second birthday, he got $ 200. if he was hungry and didnt have his around., kind tone when I respond, though, we often keep our guards give the. Seldom I call, text, or Lola in Filipino ) the applications have a series of essay questions any!

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